I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
