did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
