Just fell off a train. Bad.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
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