I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
