I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
