I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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