She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
