Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
