I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
