I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
