It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
