If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
