I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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