if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
