Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
