the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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