just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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