I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize