I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
