the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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