If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
