eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
