Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
