every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
