You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
