make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
