i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
