My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
