Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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