Kiss
Puke
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
