My liver just broke up with me...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
