i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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