Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize