I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
