Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
