You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well I just put wine in my tea
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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