That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
