I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
