I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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