Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
