I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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