I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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