Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
