I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
