i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize