there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
