Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He uses pillows to masturbate.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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