I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
