Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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