Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize