I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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