just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
