I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
