I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
