happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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