I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
