As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
