Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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