It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
